Going Away Party

The weekend before Yasha left we had a going away party for him. I actually didn't know quite how special it would be for him when I planned it kind of at the last minute. But, as we were preparing for the party, I told him I had to go pick up the cake -- he said, "A cake? For me??" He was so excited by a cake...I considered that it was probably the first time he had ever had a cake, or a party for that matter. When I bought some party favor bags for the kids, Yasha wanted to carefully pack them himself with the few small treats I had bought. He was so concerned that everyone would like what was inside them. He was all sorts of excited that afternoon as he anxiously awaited 4pm when the guests would be arriving.

We did have a wonderful time. Here is a picture of the cake (the letters on the top spell Yasha in Russian and the Blue and Yellow rectangles form the Ukrainian flag). He was so proud of his cake and even carefully cut it himself. It's easy to think these things are small, but I believe to him they are HUGE, so I don't want to dismiss or belittle them.

Finally, I just HAD to post a copy of this video of the kids dancing. It is mostly the "Yasha Show" but notice Emily, the 2 year old too...she definitely has some moves!!! From it you will get an idea why we are missing Yasha so much -- he is just always front and center.

Lonely

It is hard to describe my emotions, but lonely is a good word. Alek used it yesterday to describe how he was feeling. Usually after he gets home from school, he goes to his room for some quiet time and he knows that means that he is to stay in his room and find something quiet to do until I come get him after about an hour. However, when I walked upstairs 10 minutes later, Alek was in the hall outside of Yasha's room. I started into my usual, "Oh no buddy, a consequence has to happen because..." I stopped myself and looked at him. He looked very sad. I said, "What's wrong Alek?" He said, "I am just lonely." I picked him up and he started to cry real, sad, boo-hoo tears. I asked him if he missed Yasha and he said yes. He wanted to know why Yasha had to go back to Ukraine and I tried to explain it to him for the 20th time. I could tell he needed some TLC, so we popped some popcorn and watched "Milo and Otis" while curled up on the couch...Alek is definitely my cuddle bug.

It was the best visit with Yasha this Christmas. I can't think of one thing I would do differently or change. We made so many good memories (and we have a lot of catching up to do!). It is truly amazing how God can plant such deep love in my heart for a child who was a stranger 6 months ago. It's as if he has been in our family from the beginning! It is a miracle. Because he is a boisterous, funny, outgoing and talkative boy, his presence is sure missed in our home. We love and miss you Yasha!

This is a photo of Alek in Yasha's bed. Every morning, Alek would go to Yasha's room and climb in bed with him. He would do this quite a bit at quiet time too...no wonder he is missing his brother. Off to the post office now to send Yasha a package!

Home bitterSweet Home

We are home, but unfortunately, without our Yasha which makes coming home a little bittersweet. We all left for Atlanta on Weds morning, Jan 13. When we got to Atlanta, Scott had to say goodbye to us and fly on down to Orlando for a conference. That left me and the boys to spend the day and evening in Atlanta. We decided to check out the Aquarium in the afternoon and then we went back to our hotel, ordered roomservice, and watched a movie in our PJs in bed, one of my favorite things to do in a hotel!

We spent the majority of the morning at the airport, waiting for Yasha's flight to take off. We said our goodbyes and gave hugs/kisses a lot during this time because I knew from this summer, once the kids all come back together at the airport, they get so excited to see one another, they are off and about talking and showing each other things...I can see it is fun for Yasha to talk his native Russian too with all of his friends. Here is a photo with Vasili, one of his friends who will be adopted by a family in Atlanta.

Once we head toward security, we know it is about time to "let go." It's hard to describe, but what New Horizon's does is calls the children one-by-one forward to stand in a group separated from the host parents, so that they can make sure they have all the children before they proceed to security. This was PAINFULL this time for me and Alek, because once Yasha's name was called he walked to the gathering area (which was only about 15 feet away from me), he started crying uncontrollably. Alek chimed in on my shoulder and I can't comfort either one of them. I can't go to Yasha, but can see him as he is crying and blowing me kisses every 15 seconds. It was awful and good all at the same time. I could see how much he really cares for and loves us. I could see how Alek really cares for and loves his new brother...it was a good, but unsettling few minutes, but I could sense that God is really working on all our hearts to knit them and attach them together.

After Yasha got through security, Alek and I headed to our plane to meet Scott in Orlando for a few days. It was a brilliant plan by Scott for some diversion after Yasha left. We managed to make it to Walt Disney World for 1 day and here are a couple of pictures:

My Family -- BIG Family

After Christmas, we visited my family in Phoenix -- all 26 of us!! It was really fun to see everyone and have Yasha interact with them. The first night he was a little reserved (can't blame him as it was a little intimidating to walk into our family)!! But, by the second day he had found a best friend in my niece Alison. He rarely left her side that second day we were together. Here is a photo of them. Then he found out that my other niece, Lindsey, can speak Russian and he latched on to her too! This progressed by the 3rd night in wanting attention from all of my beautiful nieces! Anyway, everyone made him feel very welcome and loved. We even managed to take a family photo (which we haven't done in probably 15 years) and it turned out really well. Here is my BIG family!

Feelings, Nothing More than Feelings

As you can tell from my last post, I have been a little worried about Yasha's feelings about the adoption. While he is doing quite well communicating to us in English and us to him in the little Russian we know, feelings are very hard to communicate and understand in another language.

After speaking with a Rep from his orphanage yesterday, I am now convinced that what Yasha is feeling is nothing but normal emotions from a child who has never had an adult in his life that he can fully trust. Apprarently, putting up "walls" (like saying he is not sure he wants to come to America) is a typical reaction to our declaration of commitment to him. She assured me that kids do this to protect themselves from any disappointment they think we might cause -- they really can't believe someone wants them. So then in his mind, if the adoption doesn't happen, he will be able to say, "I didn't really want to do it anyway." The Rep also spoke with Yasha...she knows him quite well and asked him many times whether he was certain he wanted to come to America and he said yes, multiple times. So, I will not worry. I will not let the emotions of my 10-year old rule our firm belief that coming to our family is God's will for Yasha.
I titled my blog after an old song -- Yasha sang the line this morning as he walked out the door this morning and I just cracked up laughing! He found an old music box in the basement that I had in the garage sale pile that plays "Feelings, Nothing More than Feelings" and he fell in love with it. He is taking it back to Ukraine to give to his favorite teacher.

Be Still

Last night after reading a story and saying prayers with Yasha, he was still very wound up...something I have learned to expect from him...still wanting to wrestle, begging to be tickled, to get out of bed, to giggle, etc. After a long day, it is exhausting and I just want to say "STOP! I am DONE!" But, alas, as God gives me His eyes, I have come to understand that this is a very sweet time when Yasha especially wants to connect with us. So after Scott delivers the 3rd round of tickles, Yasha is somewhat satisfied, but remains a bit restless.

I sense the need to stay in his room a while longer. I turn off the lights and ask him to "be still." He asks "What is this 'still?'" I explain that still is like being calm, quiet; "spah-coin-ah" in Russian. He understands and settles down a bit. I tell him that God speaks to us when we are still. He looks at me perplexed...the look he gives me every time I mention God in a personal way...that God cares about what we are doing every moment because He loves us that much. I love it when Yasha looks at me that way. I know it means that God is speaking to his heart, that our Spirits are somehow connecting in a way that I can't explain with words.

I got tears in my eyes and I said, "You know Yasha, if you ask God to help you make the decision whether to live in America forever or stay in Ukraine, God will make it clear what is the right thing to do. Do you understand?" He nods his head. I barely get this last part out without welling up with tears...you see, Yasha has expressed confusion to us in the last few days about whether he can leave his country, his culture, his homeland, his language, and yes, his family in Ukraine to come here. I have no doubt that he loves us very much, but this is a big decision for a 10 year old. I understand this, but it still cuts my heart like a knife. I am SO thankful for his honesty and really, it says so much to me about how much he is beginning to trust us...wow. Having this knowledge, I can begin to pray that God will bring clarity to his heart, soul and mind and that we will love him through his decision. Will you pray with us? This is probably all I will write about this because it is so personal and we want to give Yasha time and love while he searches for clarity. I trust that God will lead Yasha to where His purposes can be filled for his life and I have assured Yasha that no matter where he is, he will always be a part of our family. My heart still hurts, but God gave me a "hug" today and let me know that He sees my hurt -- the verse we studied at church today was Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."